living with ocd and tourette's syndrome

sometimes i feel like smashing everything around me - windows, lights, glasses, plates - anything breakable. i have this itch inside me that threatens to drive me crazy. it's like if i don't move my face or hands or shoulders or legs just right the world might end and or my family might die. i don't have a choice about what i do or how i do it. my body is not my own. i'm so tired. i wish i didn't have to give so much of my energy to trying to be normal and not hurt, scare, or embarrass the ones i love. i think that's why the depression comes. imagine life with no rest and no outlet for just being who you are - warts and all. and then imagine that even the ones who know about your warts still judge your actions as if you were perfectly normal - like them. nobody knows the turmoil and the mental and physical toll that ocd and tourette's takes on a person. it's not just the syndromes - it's controlling the tics and the obsessions. imagine being on a treadmill 24/7 - in your mind. imagine never resting because if you do the tics might get really bad. imagine that your life gets stressed enough that you don't have the energy to control the tics and they start getting really bad. it just sucks. i will fixate on something for so long - as if my life depends on it - and then one day i will have a moment of clarity and realize how dumb it is and just drop it. all of that time wasted on obsession.

the rage knows no boundaries...

11:32 AM

wow - i just looked over at jough's blog and damn! i am a bit intimidated. lots of big words and concepts. i like it.

11:24 AM

fact of the day:

siouxsie & the banshees spawned some famous people....
here is the list (in order of importance):

1. marco pirroni (adam and the ants guitarist and writer; written with sinead o'connor; noted authority on the punk movement)
2. sid vicious (gross bass player for the sex pistols; young dead guy)
3. robert smith (most notably of the cure)

jough - that's the best i got. much love.

4:31 PM

i'm in new york. we are making cookies. it is great here. i am tired. i need to get away more.

i wish i had something more old and crusty to say but i don't.

8:41 PM

i clearly do not have the amount of responsibility (or time) to have a blog. i really thought that i would write! the problem is that by the time i think of writing, anything worth writing is old and crusty and stale. oh well, i'll keep trying to outsmart time and rest.....

9:47 AM

no greatness yet....

i had planned to come back with force and really write some amazing stuff, but that didn't happen. this has been a pretty crazy week and it is interesting that the hard stuff always waits until i decide to blog....

anyway, while nothing is happening, here is a topic:

queso: good or evil?

talk amongst yourselves.....

9:59 AM