on ritual

i go out and gather wood like manna from heaven. it lies on the ground waiting for me to come and give it meaning. if i stock up, it almost always rains and the wood is pretty much ruined. so, i try to only gather what is needed for the day.

i pile it all up in the chiminea like a boy scout and start it up. The twigs and kindling are on the bottom to make the red hot base that burns the larger pieces.

then i sit in silence and contemplate.
the fire.
my life.
my cup of coffee.
the baby monitor crackles with the fire and i think about my daughter.
maybe i talk to you.
maybe i listen.
maybe i just enjoy being.

as the wood burns, i grab the broom and begin sweeping away the detritus of the night and the morning. i sweep away the cast off cigarette butts, sunflower seed hulls, dirt, leaves - i sweep it all away. The plain, ordinary work of making a space is healing and enjoyable.

i drink my coffee or tea, smoke cigarettes, chew sunflower seeds...think about whether i want to write or think or read.

i am centered.
i am calm.
i am peaceful.
this ritual ushers me to a place where i can see and hear clearly. even if it is only for a few moments, i know that you are with me - here and everywhere. you call to me from the flames, you speak to me in the words of the authors i read - my desert fathers and mothers.

i am content and full and empty.

what about all the junk that i have to do later in the day? later can wait. right now is here and i am fully present.

anxiety tries to creep in, but the ritual of the broom and the fire and the baby monitor push it back into the abyss where it belongs.

i am quiet and serene and easy.

this ritual is constantly teaching me about an easy yoke and a light burden. the ritual convinces me in its simplicity that you are in all things and all things are in you.

simple ritual.
ordinary work.
gathering together the pieces of peace.
listening.
being.
learning the "unforced rhythms of grace."

the sound of your silent voice in my head, in my heart, in the deep parts of my soul.
i can't fight it or hide it. i don't want to.

i want to be.

9:13 AM

arrogancy transparogancy

ah the next huge mountain to climb....

i am certain in my mind that i, like socrates, have knowledge only of my own ignorance. but, my heart is a big fat liar and betrays the truth of my actions.

i am an arrogant prick.

i don't want to be an arrogant prick.

i am choosing to be brutally honest about the condition of my heart so that i can be healed. again, in my head, i know none of this is true. however, in my twisted heart, i’m funnier than you, i’m smarter than you, i’m critical of you because you don’t think like me, i’m critical of you because you don’t agree with me, i think that if i give you something that i deserve something in return. and guess what, all this stuff makes me mad at you! wow. i'm nuts.

oh there's more, but this is a good start.

9:54 AM

fear.

"whatever i fear the most is whatever i see before me..."

it's strange to still be such a slave to my fear. i was talking to a close friend the other day and he reminded me of my own life and how much i give in to fear.

i have always had this strange feeling that as i put off the old man and walk into the new that there will come a point where i don't know myself anymore. i'm not sure why that is such a bad thing, but it has always felt fearful at varying degrees.

i'm afraid that if i give up my rage and my rebellion that i won't have anything left. even more, i think i'm afraid to be normal and good. it feels as if my rebellion is the only thing keeping me from being plain, white vanilla - normal. i despise the status quo, conformity, subservience (afraid?). yet in some sense these are the very things that i have given my life to for the last 8 years (okay, maybe not exactly, but my warped mind sometimes feels that these negative sides are the truth).

so, i think, i woke up from my sleep only to become normal? hmmm...interesting concept. neo is released from the pod of his captors only to live a life of mediocrity and normality - an existence marked by nothing in particular that holds him up as "other". rationally i know that i am on the greatest adventure i could ever wish for. but sometimes in my heart - when i let fear reign - i feel like i am becoming something to disdain - as if the things of this world mean one damn thing!

to live is christ, to die is gain. i need it. i want it. i am striving for it. i'm terrified.

8:44 AM

new york
you took my brother
and left me questioning.

amarillo
you took my friend
and left me in the empty.

california
you took my partner
and left me with no song.

all of these are gone too long.

the grief at times seems much to bear.
i need them each.
here.
not there.

mystery can be so cruel.
history isn’t taught in school
but only in our souls, our hearts, our heads.
mystery leaves us wondering.
history leaves us blundering
lurching, mumbling, following

being led...

1:58 PM

hehehe....the drugs i need....

8:40 AM

every day i yearn for more depth (i know the word yearn is really fluffy but i couldn't think of an appropriate non-fluffy word)in my life. it's funny, in my desperate desire to distance myself from the church, i am finding more and more value in her ancient, mystical nature.

i thought that i was distancing myself from the church, but really i was just running from the white-washed, weak, and concrete version that america has created. was i running from mystery? from ritual? from wisdom? not so much. i was (and am) so fed up with the bastardization of the body that it makes me physically ill.

i love the church. if we love jesus, we will love his bride. it seems that simple to me. this definitely does not mean that we owe support or homage to the buildings and structures that are currently in place. we love the mystical church - "the great cloud of witnesses", the brotherhood of faith, hope, and love, the sojourners aching for home, the whore in tatters dreaming of the promised purity of her union with her maker.

i love the church. i hate the church. human nature is so strange.

11:42 AM

so chris was here this weekend with his friend jeff. it was really quick and i didn't get to spend near enough time with either of them. but, luckily there was plenty of time to chatter like an idiot and generally make myself look desperate and lonely.

laura - we really missed you and the girls but it probably would have been far, far too painful to have had all of you for only a second......

9:34 AM

a touch of color....

9:36 PM